[Announce] On the lighter side: an explanation of US politics

[Robert Waldrop]

This makes more sense than my daily newspaper. 
RMW

http://www.kt70.com/~jamesjpn/humor.shtml#politics4dummies

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?

A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction 
honey.

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of 
mass destruction.

A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?

A: Yep. Invasions always work better than 
inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find 
any weapons of mass
destruction, did we?

A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. 
Don't worry, we'll
find something, probably right before the 2008 
election.

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass 
destruction?

A: To use them in a war, silly.

Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons 
that they planned to
use in a war, then why didn't they use any of 
those weapons when we
went to war with them?

A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know 
they had those
weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands 
rather than defend
themselves.

Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they 
choose to die if they
had all those big weapons to fight us back with?

A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to 
make sense.

Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they 
had any of those
weapons our government said they did.

A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or 
not they had those
weapons. We had another good reason to invade them 
anyway.

Q: And what was that?

A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass 
destruction, Saddam
Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another 
good reason to invade
another country.

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes 
it OK to invade his country?

A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own 
people.

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?

A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a 
good economic
competitor, where millions of people work for 
slave wages in
sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited 
for American corporate
gain, it's a good country, even if that country 
tortures people?

A: Right.

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?

A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing 
the government.
People who criticized the government in Iraq were 
sent to prison and
tortured.

Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?

A: I told you, China is different.

Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?

A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the 
Ba'ath party, while
China is Communist.

Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?

A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?

A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the 
government in Cuba
are sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Like in Iraq?

A: Exactly.

Q: And like in China, too?

A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. 
Cuba, on the other
hand, is not.

Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?

A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our 
government passed some
laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade 
or do any business
with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and 
started being
capitalists like us.

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up 
trade with Cuba, and
started doing business with them, wouldn't that 
help the Cubans become
capitalists?

A: Don't be a smart-ass.

Q: I didn't think I was being one.

A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of 
religion in Cuba.

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?

A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. 
Anyway, Saddam
Hussein came to power through a military coup, so 
he's not really a
legitimate leader anyway.

Q: What's a military coup?

A: That's when a military general takes over the 
government of a
country by force, instead of holding free 
elections like we do in the
United States.

Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a 
military coup?

A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he 
did, but Pakistan
is our friend.

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is 
illegitimate?

A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

Q: Didn't you just say a military general who 
comes to power by
forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of 
a nation is an
illegitimate leader?

A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our 
friend, because he
helped us invade Afghanistan.

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?

A: Because of what they did to us on September 
11th.

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 
11th?

A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men? Fifteen 
of them Saudi
Arabians? hijacked four airplanes and flew three 
of them into
buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?

A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, 
under the oppressive
rule of the Taliban.

Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics 
who chopped off
people's heads and hands?

A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did 
they chop off
people's heads and hands, but they oppressed 
women, too.

Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 
43 million dollars
back in May of 2001?

A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they 
did such a good job
fighting drugs.

Q: Fighting drugs?

A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping 
people from growing
opium poppies.

Q: How did they do such a good job?

A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium 
poppies, the Taliban
would have their hands and heads cut off.

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and 
hands for growing
flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's 
heads and hands off
for other reasons?

A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic 
fundamentalists cut off
people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel 
if they cut off
people's hands for stealing bread.

Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and 
heads in Saudi Arabia?

A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a 
tyrannical patriarchy
that oppressed women and forced them to wear 
burqas whenever they were
in public, with death by stoning as the penalty 
for women who did not
comply.

Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in 
public, too?

A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional 
Islamic body covering.

Q: What's the difference?

A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi 
women is a modest
yet fashionable garment that covers all of a 
woman's body except for
her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other 
hand, is an evil tool of
patriarchal oppression that covers all of a 
woman's body except for
her eyes and fingers.

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different 
name.

A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi 
Arabia. The Saudis
are our friends.

Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers 
on September 11th
were from Saudi Arabia.

A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

Q: Who trained them?

A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?

A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he 
was a bad man, a very bad man.

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.

A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen 
repel the Soviet
invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil 
Communist Empire Ronald
Reagan talked about?

A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union 
broke up in 1990 or
thereabouts, and now they have elections and 
capitalism like us. We
call them Russians now.

Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now 
our friends?

A: Well, not really. You see, they were our 
friends for many years
after they stopped being Soviets, but then they 
decided not to support
our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. 
We're also mad at the
French and the Germans because they didn't help us 
invade Iraq either.

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?

A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we 
had to rename French
fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and 
Freedom Toast.

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another 
country doesn't do what
we want them to do?

A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our 
enemies, we invade.

Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 
1980s?

A: Well, yeah. For a while.

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?

A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against 
Iran, which made him
our friend, temporarily.

Q: Why did that make him our friend?

A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?

A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at 
the time, we looked
the other way, to show him we were his friend.

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies 
automatically
becomes our friend?

A: Most of the time, yes.

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our 
friends is automatically an enemy?

A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if 
American corporations can
profit by selling weapons to both sides at the 
same time, all the
better.

Q: Why?

A: Because war is good for the economy, which 
means war is good for
America. Also, since God is on America's side, 
anyone who opposes war
is a godless un-American Communist. Do you 
understand now why we
attacked Iraq?

Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted 
us to, right?

A: Yes.

Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack 
Iraq?

A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George 
W. Bush and tells
him what to do.

Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we 
attacked Iraq because
George W. Bush hears voices in his head?

A. Yes! You finally understand how the world 
works. Now close your
eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. 
Good night.

Q: Good night, Daddy.